We had our first ultrasound today. Let me pause for a second and tell you that if I haven’t given the impression already, I plan to keep it VERY real in this blog. Good. Bad. Ugly. OK, back on topic: first ultrasound. Being so early, and so anxious about what could go wrong, I haven’t felt very pregnant. I do not feel like a tiny human is growing in my womb. Sick? Sure. Exhausted? Absolutely. Pregnant? Nope. But I knew in my heart of hearts, that all of that was going to change today. I was going to lay back on that table, and see my little peanut on the screen, and hear that little heartbeat, and my heart would explode with happiness and I would cry, and there would be this moment of magic, and maybe even harps or something.
Spoiler alert: None of that happened. Now most of my friends have had children, so I was warned about the red hot poker (internal ultrasound for those who haven’t had the pleasure). But none of the warnings really prepared me for coming face to face with that thing. It’s no joke.
To start, my tech made a joke about how she’s been doing this so long she doesn’t even need to look. Fast forward .2 seconds to me yelping and whispering, “wrong… North please.” While it got slightly more comfortable from there, it was not comfortable. In addition, peanut looked like a smudge. I couldn’t tell what was baby and what was yolk sac. There was no sound, so I couldn’t hear a heartbeat, but I could see a flicker on the screen. 146 bpm. It was cool, but I didn’t feel that magic. I just felt so uncomfortable. She needed to measure my entire uterus so she just kept waving that wand around. There were almost tears, but they were not the kind I thought they would be.
Erik came along. He was great. Very supportive and inquisitive too. He was asking lots of questions and taking pictures of the screen for me.
We drove to the appointment separately so he could head to work while I went in to chat with the midwife for a while. That meant my ride home was a solo one, and it was also filled with guilt. Here I am, so incredibly lucky. I got pregnant on my first try. I made it to my first appointment and there is a beating heart. I am growing a human being inside of me, and all I felt on that table was discomfort. Let the mom guilt begin.
I know I’m being too hard on myself. And part of me is still trying not to get too attached, just in case. I know that I’m not some bad, evil person. But I know that so many women walk into that appointment filled with optimism and leave heartbroken. Why wasn’t I more ecstatic? Why wasn’t there magic and awe.
I guess I just have to accept that everyone is different. Everyone experiences pregnancy differently. Everyone deals with fear and anxiety differently. I can only experience my journey, and I can’t compare it to anyone else’s.
On a more positive note, I mentioned to my midwife that while I haven’t actually thrown up, I am nauseous all day and hate the sight of all food and have lost three pounds. She gave me a prescription for Diclegis and told me to start taking one at bedtime and it should relieve my nausea so I can eat again. Oh happy day!
7W+3D – Baby is the size of a blueberry